ive made up my mind
dont need to think it over
if i am wrong i am right.
dont need to look no further
this aint lust.
i know, this is love. BUT
if i tell the world ill never say enough cause it was not said to you
and thats exactly what i need to do if i end up with you.

this song explains exactly how i feel.

two years, and we are still “friends in a state of limbo” and he gets me with that line “im not saying we wont ever be in a relationship, just not right now”

ugh, and im a sucker for it. what does it mean when i put up with this?! how is it possible that me, the girl who breaks hearts at the second things start to get out of control and look unpromising, but for some reason, i can not let this guy get away. if he were just any other guy id be gone, but he’s really not. feels so different and uncomparable and unbelievable.

i build myself up and fly around in circles waiting as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle. finally….

feels like im going nowhere. but i refuse to give up. i just cant emotionally cut it off. id be lying if i said he wasnt the only thing i have to look forward to everyday. i enjoy his company more than anything and I love doing things just to make him happy. i tell the best jokes…. :P

sigh. well……..when i look forward to seeing him after a long day at work, and hes not there when i stop by. it boils my blood. and makes me emotional at the same time. weaksauce. and it doesnt seem to bug him.. someone who sincerely puts energy towards you, makes sacrifices for you, and makes you the number 1 priority has got to be kind of rare right?

then there are people who take you for granted.

oh well, time to sing and dance in my room.

to be compeletely honest.

i couldnt go back to bed after asking eric what our relationship status is to him.

he said that we were not just friends but were dating.
but when i asked him what if someone asks you is that your girlfriend?
his answer would be….kinda.

heart. brokenn.

after all this. and so much time too. all i am is kind of someone.
maybe were not headed in the same direction after all.

im dying inside. but im trying to be positive and surround myself with friends.

im just not his girl.

:’[

a side of wilson and kathy please.

sigh…..

how in the moment when you’re actually here, im always complementing you with lines like: oh youre the best ever. you are soo sweet, you shouldn’t have! etc. but then when im sitting here alone. i always think to myself, man i do wayy more for you than you can imagine. its not just the doing, but the thought and preparation that goes into it too. and i at least deserve what you do for me. lol ironic. its ridiculous how committed and hard i still try just to impress you or keep you more than satisfied. and after all this time, a bit of me suppressed deep inside and ignored is thinking that i need to do more for myself.

i dont mind being alone. ive been that person before.

i dont mind being antisocial and not the party girl. im getting paid when im not learning.

i dont mind being bored. as long as im doing whats best for me.

sigh. that voice is in there. and im not sure who i can talk to who doesnt have a biased opinion. conflicted. but the second he steps through the door and gives me a hug. he becomes my world and i sure do treat him that way.

i. have. to. build. back. bone. and. use. it.